Living with your truth

Hey all you ShugaWooks, thanks so much for reading!

This blog will be a bit different than all the others, but I feel it is truly time to put it all out there. With Mercury in this incredibly long retrograde it has brought a ton of things to the surface, and after scrolling through the typical morning facebook feed, it dawned on me.

As I was scrolling, I came across a friend's feed from what seems like a lifetime ago. More of an aquaintance these days, but it has been beautiful to watch him and his family grow.  He used a simple hashtag #livingwithyourtruth and it really resonated with me. I've seen this man grow through all of his stages and remember how much it meant to me when he and others would come to me for help or questions, as I had done something that a large community hadn't actually been exposed to. 

It really hit me when I read those simple words, "Living your truth," and I realized I definitely haven't been.  I've been hiding under the caviat of "just another guy." And that is just NOT me, I am much more than just a typical guy. Not that typical guys aren't great (in most cases) but I'm just not that basic.

Me as Mr. T (a walking double entendre) at the Red Dress Run 2016ish in New Orleans

Granted, I may look and generally act like any other man in the world, but I have one amazing ability that I have now grown to appreciate and value on such a higher level. 

I am a Trans Guy.

Leaning tower of single use plastics, somewhere in NorCal 2017ish

If you're not sure what that means, that's ok, it means I was born as a female at birth. Living with this truth has held me back so many times, with friends, family and society to the years of therapy and extreme surgery needed just to make me feel comfortable with who I am inside. 

Getting drains removed after having a double incision mastectomy

Keep in mind all of this was made considerably worse by the government, requiring therapy and a myriad of other medical releases before proceeding to the next phase. As if being chosen by the universe to hold this existence wasn't enough. I personally feel if the ability to make people happier is out there it should be available.

This journey over the last 33 years has been above all exciting, not to say that excitement is always positive because I can assure you, it isn't. But having the hindsight of walking both sides of gender it is clearly visible that it definitely is NOT 20/20. The mental anguish of feeling you do not belong in your body is by far the most painful life I've ever led.  Through endless trials and tribulations, multiple puberty sessions and growth spurts, it all eventually comes to a spiraling ball of fire coming to land on your chest. Like a heart attack from the Universe telling me I am meant for more.

Flash forward 9 years post transition to my current life..  

AHHHHHHH... The good times, things these days are about as wonderful as the dreams I'd had as a small child, running through the woods shirtless, no shoes and some scraggily shorts.. Not caring about the little scratches and tears on my skin from the brush, because nothing can hurt you when you're just being you. 

I am in a beautiful partnership with an amazing woman who loves me beyond the planets of this galaxy. We live in a van full time and travel to 20+ festivals a year (we are slowing down a bit this season to work on bigger things for ourselves and our business, great things are coming.)

Working on a skate deck "California cruisin" in the old van Le chateau Majíc

I'm also an artist, that is something I truly take pride in. I may not sell something everyday but the conversations are worth millions more than money.  I also work in harm reduction, I know I mention it a bit in posts and blogs, here is a simple description. In the realm of harm reduction we hold space for people when they can't hold it themselves, when they just need a moment of acknowledgment.  Often times it just happens to be during a mind melting drug induced experience at a music festival, which is where I come in and so many of my worlds collide. 

Taking a break between shifts at electric forest 2018

Although recently, it has been weighing on my heart that I'm not doing enough for MY community. I have been so focused on getting where I'm going that I feel a little disconnected from my LGBTQ family, and that is something that I truly never intended, and for that I am truly sorry. 

Navigating the ways of this world, my world, has been something I've had to learn along the way.  But I've done my best, figuring out the ways of living completely stealth in a world that has become what it is today, but that comes at a high cost.  The constant nagging at your mind "do they know?" "Did they notice me at the urinal?" "Can they tell by my voice?" Then the inevitable feeling that you are lying to someone if you don't tell them.  

When does it all end and living becomes just living?

That is where everyone comes into play, and I mean EVERYONE. The societal norms that this country especially has picked up have become so incredibly outlandish that even I forget I'm trans sometimes.  The immediate look and inevitable gut wrenched feeling when someone has found out, then proactively try to out you infront of a room full of people. You want to run and hide or scoff it off as if it's just not real, but you can't.

Situationally it's all different, in today's world 1 of 2 things can happen: either you admit it and start answering the 501 questions that everyone asks, or you don't and live with the guilt of not standing up for an entire species of human.  

Bayou Boogaloo in New Orleans

We need society to come together for ALL human life to continue.  Whether you believe in God, Buddha or Universal creation, we're all created here on this earth to love one another and live your truest self.  

Be yourself, love yourself and be love.

 

More blogs about this and so much more are on the way! If you have question please feel free, but any negativity will be deleted.. 

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